Recollections

He's now officially a dad. His son was born April 3. Things are definitely going to turn around for him. it had been so ever since he learned he was going to be a dad. It all happened at the most inopportune time. He barely knew the girl. He just started "redeeming" himself and turning away from the black-sheep-of-the-family image. He just started to earn his own living, which in my book is quite late (27 years old).

It is as inopportune for me as it is for him. On my part, I have just discovered that he is a delight to talk to. This was even before he knew of the pregnancy. More so, this was even before everyone knew he had a girlfriend. This includes myself.

We met March of 2007 during an event of common friends. We were barely introduced and we barely passed a glance at each other. We were in a smaller group a year later when his group of friends and a group of mine joined to watch a movie together. Again, the meeting was insignificant and forgettable. Another 2 years later and he started working for our company. Early on, I sensed that he has potential and has no mean bone. Thus, I even assigned him as the team's leader. We approached each other professionally. To a certain extent, I was uncomfortable primarily because of the unfamiliarity. Naturally, as time went by, the walls started to break and I began noticing how nice his skin is, how tall he is and I liked how he speaks. I am not particularly buying the "rocker" vibe. But he's not scary. All in all, it was the height advantage that got me. The height advantage.

It was not until the summer of 2011 that I took full notice of him. By that time, I've already known him for 4 years and he was already working for us for a year and a half. I wanted so much to know what this guy's all about. But I did not know him too well so I did not know where to begin should I come up to him. Then an opportunity came. The whole office will go on a videoke night out. I told myself that I wouldn't pass at this chance to talk to him.

On that day, I was scheduled to attend to a whole-day work event at the PICC. The plan was to meet everyone else at the videoke place in the evening. Everything's all set.

I arrived at the PICC. Lo and behold. He was there. I was totally unprepared. The situation merited an immediate change of plans. I had to talk to him earlier than planned. I was waiting for the right timing, and the right topic. Surprisingly, the tables turned. He came up to me and asked about my new laptop.

The moment he struck up a conversation with me at an event in PICC last June, I knew he was something. It went on until the whole group from work went on a night out that same day. Right in the middle of the rowdiness and the pandemonium that is videoke, we were in our own bubble talking about life - how he was in college, his relationship with his closest friends, etc. I realized that from my initial plan of striking the first conversation, it went the other way around. He made my job easier for I suck at small talks. What happened was beyond expectations. I was happy and I did not even conjure illusions of romance.

The next days, I would intentionally drop by his work area just to talk. And boy we did talk. For hours. About absolutely anything: family, work, friends, interests, traits, music, religion, dreams in future (him owning a fish  pond and me owning a farm). We'd spend hours and hours talking about anything under the sun. The longest conversation was a full 8 hours. We started at 5 pm and ended at 1 am. No bathroom breaks. No dinner break. Not even water breaks. When we got home, we were still exchanging texts, obviously overwhelmed with the unexpectedly lengthy conversation both of us have not had in years. When I got home, I thought that was what "connection" was all about. It was nothing short of cosmic!

We continued to talk in the coming weeks. Face-to-face, SMS, chat. It did not matter if it were for a few minutes or for hours. We will just talk whenever we can.

The last time I did was with my ex-boyfriend 6 years ago, and especially when we were starting to be friends 9 years ago. Medieval ages pa yun! That is where all the excitement is coming from - the fact that it is only now that I have met someone with whom I can be really be comfortable with - surprisingly the same (if not higher) level of ease with my ex, and which never manifested with any of the men I had "something' with.

But what I truly appreciate in these conversations we've had is that they were genuine. We were not at all flirting. We were not out to impress the other. We can put our feet up, curse to our hearts' content, gossip, belly laugh the hardest, yawn. I love that we can be so unglamorous around each other!

Close friends and family know I don't talk to strangers. Er. I suck at small talk and self-disclosure. Absolutely not a social butterfly. I warm up to people longer than the average human being. So what happened with him was really one of a kind.

I was so at ease that I even managed to tell him how amazed I am at how much I'm able to effortlessly disclose details about myself. Immediately after I said that, he returned by saying the same thing. He told me details that he has told only to his closest friends (there are 2 of them he considers as his brothers who know him inside-out).

Likewise, the more he disclosed details about him, the more I am starting to think that we are a lot like each other. At some point during one of our conversations, we talked about our ideal partners. Whether we deny it or not, by sheer coincidence or otherwise, we ended up describing exactly each other.

Picking up from this realization, I thought "we" had something.

Some 5 weeks of great conversations, he confessed something that unexpectedly broke my heart. During one of our chat sessions online in the wee hours, he told me that the girl he is dating is actually his girlfriend. I knew from the get-go he was dating this girl from the office. But I never knew they were already a couple. In fact, nobody knew because of certain issues in the workplace about them being together (age gap - girl is 6 years his senior, position in the office - girl is manager while he is a junior/entry-level employee). In fact, I was the first outside of his family and closest friends to know this information.

My heart broke even before it could beat for him.

I held the secret for him. And in our conversations thereafter, she's already a usual topic. Like how difficult it is to be in a relationship in secret, how uncomfortable he is with her friends at work when he joined them for lunch, how he felt demoralized each time she would pay for dinner. But he loves her. I know that because he's not the type who goes around breaking girls' hearts. He did have many relationships before, though. The longest lasted for only a year. Like my ex, I think he gets smitten early on hence the many ex-girlfriends. But unlike my ex, I think he's got more patience in the sense that he had courted a girl for a year but to no avail and he has stayed single for some two years. Then he dated someone for a year, and dated this girl 4 months after that year-long relationship ended.

Nonetheless, I couldn't help it but I cannot sense that he is madly in love with the girl. I was confiding to a close friend the whole time and she said that a guy wouldn't spend that much time with someone he's not interested in. Even my sister said the same thing. But "interest" is relative. It doesn't have to be romantic. But I must admit that I like him. I like talking to someone like him. It excites me that he's outside of my usual circle. The anonymity of our relationship thrilled me. We are like each others' secret friends. None in the office knew we've built this kind of friendship.

A month after, I can say I was already better. I did not actively entertain the idea of us any longer. At the same time, I did not entirely gave up on the idea of us. I was at a whatever-goes stage, not wanting to stress myself over these things - a typical case of me being a control freak of my own emotions.

But another bomb dropped yet again. She's pregnant with his child. It was so unexpected, and the confession did not come from him. While I knew all along that they've been together for a while, the girl's 4-month old belly could no longer hide their relationship. This time, our conversations comprised much about his fear about being a father, how unprepared he is, and how he looks at life ahead. We talked about how this has affected his relationship with his family, especially that they have decided to live together. Having a taste of the married life, he also started to reassess his relationship with her. He often asks himself is she's really the right partner in life and for life.

I was more than happy on my position as the confidante. As the cool friend. We were still around each other. We worked together on projects and we still continued to talk. There were instances when he would randomly tell me (via SMS) about interesting youtube videos which he thought I might like.

During our Christmas party, he asked me to accompany him smoke outside our hotel room. There he ranted about his situation, and we just talked away from everybody. The guy obviously needed a breather. One time,   we also talked over the cell phone for four straight hours. And during an office lunch out, we were seated in front of each other and ended up talking as if 8 other people weren't there. One of them even remarked that it's as if we are on a date. Haha!

Now that he's a dad, I wonder how he is doing, what he feels and what his plans are. He has always been concerned about losing his freedom, his youth. One time, he even mentioned that if only he can have it his way, he'll move out and just provide monthly child support. But things can change, now that he's in love with his son.

I know we will never be together. But the friendship is not at all wasted. For what it's worth, he did have a purpose. I once told my friend that just when I forgot about the feeling of being strangely connected with someone, I met him.